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How to Get Rid of Bedbugs

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Author Topic: How to Get Rid of Bedbugs  (Read 606 times)
Bad Penny
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« on: July 30, 2011, 09:01:04 am »

A Project for the Defense of Human Habitation Against Blood-Sucking Bedbugs

The extent of my apartment’s bedbug infestation is, by now, known to many of my neighbors.  What may be less well known is my method of dealing with this infestation.

My method is based upon the fact that bedbugs cannot survive exposure to the temperature of 113 degrees Fahrenheit.  Exposure to this temperature does, in fact, kill bedbugs at all stages of life, including the eggs, which are the most difficult to kill.

My method also includes this observation: there’s an old British Army saying that time spent on reconnaissance is seldom wasted, and, my personal history of battling bedbugs proves the truth of this adage.  Besides squishing every bedbug I see (and, it’s really difficult to squish a bedbug crawling on your wall, as their bodies are already so flat that your finger pressure simply will not suffice to crush them, so that you must first squish them and then, while maintaining pressure, drag the squish across your wall so that friction can rip the bug’s body apart), I watch their comings and goings so as to locate their nests.  Once I find a nest, I go into my kitchen and, in my microwave oven, I boil a mug of water (actually half a mug, for safety’s sake) which I then pour upon the nest.  If the nest lies deep within the crevices of my furniture, I soak a piece of paper towel in the boiling water and shove the soaked paper into the crevice. (WARNING: this process is painful and potentially injurious!)

Bedbugs also love to build nests in books, which fact leads me to the realization that we should “Cook the Books!”, that is, once we’ve located a nest within one of our favo(u)rite books, we should deal with the problem by, first, preheating our ovens to 200 degrees Fahrenheit, and, then, inserting our books (one small batch at a time) for a period of ninety minutes.

Some of you are, no doubt, asking “Why ninety minutes in the oven for books as opposed to just pouring boiling water on bedbugs to kill them instantly?”  This happens to be a matter of physics; water is much more dense than air, and is a much better conductor of heat.  This is the reason why one can thaw out a frozen turkey more quickly by putting it in the sink under cold running water than by sticking it in a hot oven.  As you don’t want to ruin your books by throwing boiling water on them, the oven method works best.  But, to avoid fire hazard, monitor the cooking of the books VERY carefully, and have a mug of water or a fire extinguisher immediately to hand in case things go bad.

My final observation is that, once I thought I’d really eliminated my infestation, I noticed bedbugs crawling up the wall in one certain corner of my bedroom.  Just as I was trying to figure out how this could be, I saw a mouse coming out of my register very near to where this parade of bedbugs seemed to originate.  As cute and sweet as mice may be (and I personally love the stuffing out of them!), mice just happen to be a primary vector for the introduction of bedbugs into human habitations.  Tragically, mouse control must be a part of any serious attempt at bedbug extermination.

If anyone else has any ideas concerning bedbug extermination, don’t be afraid to speak up!
« Last Edit: July 30, 2011, 09:07:32 am by Bad Penny » Report Spam   Logged

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Jonnie Goodboy
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« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2011, 04:17:57 pm »

... From a Gentleman who is clearly is also a current resident of New York, comes this excellent advice ... useful to all but the most wearisome traveller ...

PS, what is a bed?
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"When the righteous become many, the people rejoice; but when anyone wicked bears rule, the people sigh".
— Prov 29:2
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